If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
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