I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
