when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
