my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
