I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I didn't notice because vodka
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
