they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
