hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
