Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
