I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
