The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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