I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
