she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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