I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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