last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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