fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
