Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
