We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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