Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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