I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
