I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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