you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
