It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
