Are we in a gay sports bar?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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