I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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