I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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