the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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