I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
