fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
