There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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