i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
