I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
