Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
