yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
