my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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