i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
