Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
