We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Let's get the cat blown out
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
