you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
