Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
