every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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