i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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