Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
