You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
