Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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