I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
