Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
