Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
