My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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