omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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