My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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